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Vote For Me!

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MAD Blog Awards 2012I am running a clean campaign this year.

There will be no dirt dished on my fellow candidates. Although I have plenty. Some of you really have to watch what you tweet on Saturday night after a few too many…

No, this year I am sticking to the issues. The issues that matter. The issues that affect you & me, the ordinary people. The issues that effect us in our day-to-day lives: where we live, here, now.

So let’s look at the blue-sky thinking that my team & I have brought to the table over the last year or so:

Sport & Leisure. We looked at the contentious issue of women’s role at football matches, & decided that they shouldn’t have one.  Yes, controversial I know, but never let it be said that your Candidate is afraid of making the tough calls! “This is all your fault!” Is the football stand really the place for your other half?

Women’s Issues have featured prominently in previous campaigns also & remain at the forefront of our thinking: The Gallery: Motherhood

Transport. Our policy of sticking cute twin toddlers on trikes & leaving them to it has had a few teething problems & is still in the formative stage, I will admit. Yes, mistakes have been made – but at least you know that your Candidate is an honest Candidate! And, rest assured, good people of Bloggonia: my team & I remain fully committed to our goal of getting more children on trikes as soon as is practicable.

Health & Wellbeing. In the past we have highlighted the dangers of men putting on weight during their partner’s pregnancy; promoting healthy living & eating retains a crucial place in our Manifesto. Our policies especially encourage getting more children involved in cooking and playing with bubbles in gardens. We believe in the Feel-Good Factor! Our goal is happiness for all though humour & cuteness!

Bringing People Together In Love & Unity is what we’re about here at the Whiskey For Aftershave campaign HQ! We admire & promote togetherness even from birth, & we encourage & highlight the importance of hugging & kissing - things we could do all do with more of, I think you’ll agree.

Overseas Aid. I have tried to highlight the needs of those less fortunate than ourselves & who have been affected by, for instance, earthquakes & famine & have tried to encourage giving aid where possible.

We have also tried to provide inspiration for Dads who find themselves looking after their children alone, & have outlined our thoughts on A Communications Strategy For The 21st Century & The Importance of Live Music.

And in the hope that you, my lovely Constituents, could get to know me, your Candidate, a little better I’ve tried to tell you all a little bit more about myself.

So, my good people, in Summary: a Vote for Me is a vote for Fun, a vote for Cuteness & Laughs, for Healthy Living Through Bubbles, a Vote for Hugging & Kissing & Spreading the Love, for Families & Music & Dancing!

And free Whiskey. Don’t forget the free Whiskey. For Everyone. Which you can even use for Aftershave.

Love & kisses from your friend & Candidate,

JallieDaddy

While I blog for fun & as a record of my beloved twins’ progress, it would be a nice bonus to at least be nominated in a category or 2, like Family Fun or Family Life. And today is the last day for voting in the MADS, so if you plan to vote you should do it now! Just click on the pic above :)

Football, Childbirth, Other Halves, Sexism & Me: a Follow-Up

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Just to be clear: Tuesday’s post where I questioned whether men should take their partners with them to football matches was intended as satire.

It was a direct riposte to this article on ParentDish which questioned whether women should have their partners with them when they give birth, suggesting that men “just don’t get it”.* I used it is as a template, & just reversed gender roles where I could. It was a bit tricky trying to think of an aspect of male life that is as exclusive to our gender as childbirth is to women: there isn’t one really. Football was the best I could come up with.

The ParentDish article used (presumably accurate) examples of a few men – who seem, quite frankly, to be really quite unusually stupid – who couldn’t seem to understand pregnancy & birth. Guys: you don’t need to be a Cambridge Professor of Biology to get that growing a human being in your belly for nine months then, after it’s got quite big (that’s the B-U-M-P), shoving it out of a very small exit might just be a little bit inconvenient. And maybe cause a few changes in diet & mood?

The article then goes on to imply that these cultured geniuses are representative of all men, & that women are therefore better off without the lot of us.

“Sexism: … behavior, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex” Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Big Tick. My post was meant to be sexist.** Because the article it’s satirising is.

So let me be clear here: telling a man that he shouldn’t be present at the birth of his children is just obscene, disgusting, a disgrace.

For me, holding my new-born children for the first time was & always will be the greatest moment of my life. And I know that very many fathers feel just the same way. What right has anyone to take that away from us? To tell us that we shouldn’t be there? Purely on the basis of our gender?

This is just plain wrong.

And not because we’re men. Because we’re human beings.

And that’s really what this is all about. Whether we’re male, female, not sure, black, white,  purple, whatever our lifestyle choices – we’re all entitled to be judged equally as human beings, not through the jaundiced eyes of personal prejudice & stereotype.

And sadly there are still people who “just don’t get it”.

* Best response I’ve yet read to this: “if you feel you can’t have him there at the birth should you really be having a baby with him?!” .

** Although perhaps not sexist enough. Several people, not all of them men, took it at face value, one even thinking that the post might be a blog-hop where others are invited to link up their own stories of going to the footy with their partners. Interesting!

“This is all your fault!” Is the football stand really the place for your other half?

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These days wives are usually footy partners. But are they honestly the best person to have there in the stands with you? Not always…

It was the Cup Final, I was on my feet, fists clenched, heart pounding. It was the last minute of play, 0-0, and we had a throw-in from only 5 yards out. As our long-throw specialist takes the ball my mate Dave leans over & says to me: “Hey, I bet the linesman flags for offside!”

Through the haze of adrenaline & anticipation I briefly glanced at Dave’s gurning face. “Haha, yeah!”, I replied. And then, after noticing that the linesman was a woman, I saw my wife’s face. She was shooting poor Dave a murderous glance. “IT’S A FOOTBALL JOKE, NOT SOME HEAVY POLITICAL STATEMENT”, I bellowed, much to the astonishment of the assembled fans.

Our long-throw expert slipped, the best opportunity of the game was lost. It ended 0-0 then we lost on penalties.

You see, when it comes to football, sometimes women just don’t get it. Which is why I think the match isn’t always the right place for them. Or a lot of the whole ‘supporting a football team thing’, really.

It starts early on, this lack of understanding. They think rushing to the nearest TV / internet screen / radio to see the new season’s fixture list as soon as it’s announced is funny. Or sexy. Or weird. It’s none of these things. It’s just something we have to do. And is not in any way similar to that thing that her mate Helen did when she heard that Justin Bieber had turned 16 & was touring.

Then comes nine long months of confusion. She doesn’t get why you are weeping after losing 3-0 at home to Scunthorpe. She doesn’t understand that your need for Sky Sports is not to do with “supporting an evil multi-national cartel”. And she doesn’t appreciate that when you win 1-0 at Man U in the semi-final, you’re covered in sweat & beer, & you haven’t shaved since the quarters that you are still really, really ‘up for it’.

And so, as the big day approaches, why aren’t we all left wondering if this girl in our house who keeps shooting puzzled glances in our direction is really the one we want with us while we are desperately willing our success-starved team to its 1st trophy in 40 years?

Ken Lattimore wondered – and was proved right. So much so, he decided to become a ticket-tout who resells only to men and so give other men the chance to have someone useful present at this crucial time.

His wife had, after all, chuckled heartily when his team had missed a penalty, sang the other team’s songs “‘cos the tunes are better” & throughout the match repeatedly yelled “Nice arse!”. You really couldn’t make it up.

It seems that some women are also fairly ineffectual even when they are in their own homes. Rob Schuler had his hopes pinned on watching the match on TV when he got home from work, due to an unavoidable prior commitment. As it was, his wife was tasked with recording it for him – and ended up recording X-Factor instead. He came home exhausted but excited, having manfully avoided hearing the result all evening, only to switch on to see some spotty teenager singing out of tune followed by Simon’s sarcastic sneering. He ended up over at his single mate’s place to watch the game there. No wonder these men chose to redress the balance by becoming single themselves.

My wife, apart from the throw-in incident, was actually pretty good. There were no requests for an explanation of the offside rule, no chatting about make-up & cooking, no ill-timed comments about what sexy legs the other goalie had (although I could definitely see her leering). And in her second season, her technique was even better. Chips were handed over at the correct intervals and she’s never mentioned what I shouted at the Ref after that disallowed goal once. Well, not much.

They don’t all improve though, and certainly not in the case of Stan Ockwell, Manager of Barnstoneworth United & a veteran of 4 cup finals: “With number one, I asked her to be ready after lunch, she panicked, went out with no glasses on, walked into an open cupboard door and knocked herself out.

“With number two, she spent the whole match shouting for the opposition, then fell asleep – the coach had to wake her after the presentation. With three and four I kept her occupied doing pretend jobs. If I ever get to another one I think I might just ‘forget’ to tell her…”

These days, having our partners present has become the norm. Let’s start a backlash, I say. A return to the old days, where the women stayed at home cooking & cleaning & making themselves pretty and the men did all this football stuff together by themselves.

That would be much better. But wait, hold on – if they don’t see what we have to go through, how do we explain why we have to be away so much of the time? Darn it…

Do you have your partner with you when you go to the footy? Share your stories below…

Or is this maybe a bit much? Even a bit ‘sexist’, perhaps?

What it is actually is as direct a paraphrase as I could manage of this article on ParentDish, which they were publicising on twitter this evening. All I’ve done is change the gender roles as best as I could.

Now what do you think?

     And the ‘joke’? You can’t be offside from a throw-in