Three

Please don’t go. Stay here with me. It’s not my fault, I’m only three. I’m only three!

Giving adult voice to the thoughts and feelings of a three-year-old who misses their parent, this song tears me up: in more ways than one. It hit me like a silken sledgehammer with all those feelings of loss, of separation, all the guilt and recrimination that go with it,  and the “what-if” / “what could I have done differently?” thoughts that torture and taunt.

How old were Jake and Ellie when our separation became formalised?

Three.

‘We’ had been living here in Wales in a good-sized family home we were renting while we tried to sell our old place in the Midlands.  I was splitting my time between there and the little temporary place we first moved into which is now my home. The twins were just starting pre-school and only for a few hours a week, so I was still spending a lot of my time looking after them there. It was a ‘trial separation’ in all but name; “need some time apart” I was told.

I’d found a great new home for us all, right next to their school, in a quiet cul-de-sac; with a good-sized garden, a communal green outside and with friends they could play with nearby. It was perfect for ‘us’. I’d stayed up all of Christmas Eve cleaning up the incredible mess that a family with 3-year-twins will inevitably make, and finalising the packing and moving. I then drove through the night to London to join the family with my in-laws for Christmas. I didn’t want to miss opening the presents around the tree! It’s such an important and joyous time for young children.

I did all this in the full expectation that this would be ‘our’ new family home, that we would all be moving in there together as a family. I was wrong. That’s when our separation started for real.

They all moved in and I stayed where I was. Separated.

My wife had gone back to work after her maternity leave while I carried on looking after the twins when they weren’t at school, so for financial reasons (I thought at the time) it was only her name on the title deed. I hadn’t stayed overnight there so I couldn’t claim any right of residence.

I would still come over for evenings, have dinner there & play with them until their bedtime: that’s when it it became – for want of a better word – ‘difficult’.

In my life I’ve experienced grief and pain. My favourite uncle died when I was a young boy; I was a pallbearer at his funeral. I had to take the day off school and I think I spent most of it crying. My Dad died in 2005; he’d lived to a good old age, and I’d seen him only a few months before, but it was still tough. I’ve had abscessed teeth (several times), I’ve woken up in the middle of the night after a knee operation when the anaesthetic had worn off in such pain that – as an agnostic – I prayed to die.

None of that compared to what I experienced here though. As it became time for me to go the twins would become distraught. They would plead for me to stay, shouting, screaming, crying uncontrollably. They did everything they possibly could with their little 3-year-old bodies to stop me leaving. They would grab a leg each and hang on as hard as they could, gripping me like limpets and refusing to let go. They would throw themselves between me and the door to try to stop me from leaving: all the while screaming, crying & shouting “DON’T GO DADDY! STAY HERE!”. They’d try distraction, delaying tactics, everything they could think of, to stop me from going.  And I didn’t want to go!!

But what could I do?! It wasn’t my house! They were no longer under my care!

It was, is, and I think always will be the most painful, distressing thing I’ve had to go through.

You say you love me, then you walk right out the door; I’m left here wanting more.

I was left high and dry and didn’t feel I had the means or resources to look after them as they needed any more. They would come over to my little place, and still do, but when it became time to leave it was the same distressing scenario all over again. This went on several days every week, for many months. Over the ensuing years it’s lessened but it’s still there. To be honest, I’ve lost track of time for it all now.

I only found out quite recently that they blamed me for all this. They thought that I had left them, when the opposite was true!  It’s only in the last year or so as they’ve grown mentally and emotionally that I’ve been able to explain to them what actually happened – that I didn’t leave, didn’t want to, it wasn’t my choice and that it was the last thing I wanted to do! They thought this about me, that Daddy had left them, betrayed them – for all this time! Awful!

They’re great kids, balanced, largely happy, smart, doing well at school and socially, etc. I still see a sadness in them however, a Dad-shaped emptiness, and I just can’t help feeling – despite the circumstances – that I’m to blame. All those “if only”s!

Looking back I can think of things I might have said and done differently that may have made a difference. Who knows? I can’t rewrite the past so I’ll never know. “Hindsight is always 20-20”! At the time I was so shocked, distressed, confused, struggling with my own personal circumstances and, yes, depressed that I couldn’t see any alternative.

They were only three.

They’re older now, but they’re still children: my children. All I can do is try to do the best that I can for them with what I have, and that’s what I’m doing.

DIY Daddy
Shank You Very Much
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Life Goes On

My Dad passed away 7 years ago.

He lived a full life, & made it to the great old age of 94.

I can’t help thinking ‘though that if he was still alive he would have turned 101 today. He lived such an active healthy life that I always thought he would make it to at least 100.

It wasn’t unexpected; he’d been ill for some time with the cruel illness that is Alzheimer’s, & it was complications from that which took him in the end.

I am extremely grateful to my then boss, who was normally quite spiteful, for allowing me the time off at Christmas 2003 to visit him at his home in New Zealand, where I was able to say what would turn out to be my goodbyes.

I will always remember how I heard the news: a ‘phone call at 9am on a Monday to my desk at work from my sister & my Mum; I swiftly retired into the relative privacy of the office drinks room on my mobile.  Although not unexpected, to say it came as a shock would be an incredible understatement.

It took me a week to recover enough to return to work. And it’s not something I think you ever recover from fully.

Even in his confused state during my Christmas visit there he still thankfully knew & recognised me most of the time. While on the ‘phone to a friend I heard him saying of me “I am extremely proud of him”. I’d never been happier. Deep down a son wants few things more than to earn his father’s respect. Although I do remember thinking at the time that if he knew everything about me he maybe wouldn’t be so proud! But then that’s probably true of us all

I owe him so much; I see so much of him that lives on in me. His love of music, his love of nature & gardening, his positivity, so many things.

And what has this got to do with a blog about me being a dad to my twin babies? Every day I see him in the loving face of my baby boy Jake. The resemblance to my Dad as a child is sometimes uncanny.

So he lives on not only in me but also in my son.

I miss you, Dad; you were a great man & a great father. But I’m so glad you left so much of yourself behind, first in me, & now in my own son. You may have left us in body but your spirit lives on.

I’ve never written about my Dad before; I felt encouraged to do so after reading Today is the day… by the lovely Kate on her blog The Five Fs, & also A Love So Great at MumtoJ by Jo: who I don’t know so well but who I’m sure is also lovely