Dear Jallie babies
Thank you for respecting my request for a lessening of the bollocks-kicking activity. I think I’m on the mend now.
However when you wake up overnight & we’re good enough to let you sleep with us, please don’t wake me up at 5am with kung-fu kicks to my head. Not hitting me while I’m trying to get you back to sleep would be nice too. And I know it’s with open palms, but it still kinda hurts. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Jake…).
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Dear Good Hope Hospital
I think a rebranding exercise is in order, don’t you? You need a brand, an identity, that more accurately reflects who you are & what you have to offer the British public.
I suggest: “No Hope Hospital”.
Or how about “Bloody Hopeless”?
I even have a slogan worked out for you. Writ large over your front entrance: “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here”.
Otherwise someone may sue you under the Trades Descriptions Act.
It won’t be me ‘though: I’m already busy suing you under every other Law I can think of, you nasty psychopath.
You are a disgrace. It’s places like you that give the NHS a bad name…*
Sore Daddy. But you may call me “The Plaintiff”
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Dear Chris Packham & the Autumnwatch team
Thank you for your earlier suggestions for bird-foods for this time of year. They’ve gone down very well here, especially those niger seeds.
Did you mention sunflower hearts too? Also mixes specifically for ground-feeding birds? They’re also very popular here.
There are a lot of happier & less hungry birds here now thanks to you, & to shops like Wilkinsons & Tesco who stock their food
Sorry to bother you again.
Just an update on the security situation.
We’ve got some nice new door gates so we don’t keep having to keep all your doors shut, shutting out that nice shiny light that you like & making us all feel a bit claustrophobic. Or piling doorways with Pampers box bunkers that would make a World War 1 soldier proud, or your old Moses basket full of toys. Especially as you eventually seem to be able to figure out how to get through them. You little monkeys!
We also now have bed-guards, so we can all co-sleep together instead of Mummy & Daddy having 1 of you each surrounded by, admittedly impressive, pillow fortresses. If you rolled over onto a wooden floor you really wouldn’t be very happy, trust me! And neither would we.
Now, I know you don’t like being penned in; but it’s for your own safety, honestly. One day you’ll understand.
Also: I’m nearly finished converting the storage room into a big old play room: you’ll love it, believe me!
"We shall, we shall be FREE!!"
* I have to point out that whenever we’ve had problems or health concerns with Jallie they’ve been excellent. And the surgical team who delivered them were outstanding. So I guess they’re not all bad. My main problem is with its administration & the admin staff; they’re just abysmal.